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ICQ & Email Jokes, Quotes, and Poems
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third  day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim. "I know father," the nun answered. "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree. said the nun." "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I  might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting "Sister would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could ask something of you? ""Yes sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis.  Could I see yours?" "I supposed that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting an erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes it is, sister." "Then why don't you stick it up that camel's butt and lets get the heck out of here."

"Remarriage"
This guys wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"
and he replies, "Well, after a considerable period of
grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."
She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live
in this house?" and he replies, "We've spent a lot of
time and money getting this house just the way we want
it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she
would." So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and
she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"
and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two
thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time,
I guess she would." So she asks, "If I died and you
remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in
our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" and he says,
"Oh no, she's left handed."
Submitted by Randy M.

"Randy The Rooster"
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went
to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping
he could get a special rooster - one that service all
of his many hens and when he told this to the market
vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster
for you". "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will
ever see!"
So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting
him loose in the hen house though, he gave Randy a little
pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to
do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into
the hen house.
Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen
like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many
feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his
way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went
in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one
and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house, where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried
out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy
continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same
manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw
Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in
the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging
out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.
The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing,
look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself.
I warned you my little buddy".
"Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

Just when you think your having a bad day...
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at
his drink.  He stays like that for half-hour.  Then, this big trouble making truck
driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drink sit
all down. The poor man starts crying.  The truck driver says: "Come on man,
I was just joking.  Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man
crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life.  First, I
overslept and was late to an important meeting.  My boss, outraged, fired me.
When Left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they
said they could do nothing. I  got a cab to return home, and after I paid
the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in
the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I
left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end
to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She
quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend
you're  a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered
the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The
Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us,
 too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
 when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got
out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich
 and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue,' "Eat
something.  I stood at the Smiths like an idiot for three days, and
nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money,
 she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind
 a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under
 the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the
playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent
 him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the
 blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting
 beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened the bag and found
 the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this
 to a fellow blonde?

There was a flea rubbing lotion on his little flea arms and his little
flea legs lying in the sun on Miami Beach.
 Along came his little flea friend, Oscar. "Oscar," he said, "you
look terrible"; for Oscar did look terrible.   Oscar was sniffling,
wrinkled, and drawn.

"Well," said Oscar, "I rode all the way down here from New York in
some guy's mustache, and we came by motorcycle."
"Oscar, listen: all you have to do is go to the ladies room and jump
on a New York bound stewardess when one comes along."
"You will be warm and safe and have a pleasant trip."

 A month later the friends met again. "Oscar, you look terrible.
Didn't you take my advice?
"Yes, I did," Oscar replied. "I took a spot on an airport toilet and
it wasn't long before a stewardess came along and I jumped on.
But it felt so good that I dozed off --- and the next thing I
knew I was in some guy's mustache."

DON'T BE TOO BUSY TO READ THIS!
 This kind makes you sit back and think........... maybe tomorrow.
 Around the corner I have a friend
 In this great city that has no end,
 Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
 And before I know it, a year is gone
 And I never see my old friends face,
 For life is a swift and terrible race,
 He knows I like him just as well,
 As in the days when I rang his bell,
 And he rang mine.
 If, we were younger then,
 And now we are busy, tired men.
 Tired of playing a foolish game,
 Tired of trying to make a name.
 "Tomorrow" I say "I will call on Jim"
 "Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
 But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
 And distance between us grows and grows.
 Around the corner!- yet miles away,
 "Here's a telegram sir-"
 "Jim died today."
 And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
 Around the corner, a vanished friend.
 If you love someone, tell them.
 Remember always to say what you mean.
 Never be afraid to express yourself.
 Take this opportunity to tell someone what they mean to you.
 Seize the day and have no regrets.
 Most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have
 helped make you the person that you are today and are what it's all
about anyway.  Pass this along to your friends.  Let it make a
difference in your day and theirs.
 The difference between expressing love and having regrets is that the
 regrets may stay around forever.