A police officer, though scheduled for all night duty at the station,
was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 AM.  Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the
dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.  She
sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the
all night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin?  I've
got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room,
he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.  As he arrived, the
pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't
you Officer Fen wick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's
uniform?!"

The Soap & Water Method
 A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew
was an unkempt housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.
 "Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.  She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."  He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating.  It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.  When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, "Here  Soap! Here Water!"

The Eye Exam
A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.
The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.
    Doctor:  Can you read the bottom line?
    Girl:  No
    Doctor:  Can you read the center line?
    Girl:  No
    Doctor:  Can you read the large top line?
    Girl: No
    Doctor (getting frustrated):  Can you even see the chart?
    Girl:  No
The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of his pants.
    Doctor:  Can you see this?
    Girl:  Of course!
    Doctor:  Well, there's your problem -- you're cock-eyed!

 A Meal for Work

A wanderer comes up to the front door of a neat looking
farmhouse and raps gently on the door.
When the farm owner answers, the wanderer asks him,
"Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't
had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by
supplying goods for people. I've never given anything
away for nothing. However, if you go around the back,
 you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush.
If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will
give you a good meal."
So the wanderer goes around back and a while later he
again knocks on the door.
The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in.
Sit down The cook will bring your meal right in."
The wanderer says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's
something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche
you got there. It's a BMW.".

Problems with Flatulence
There was an old married couple that had happily lived
together for nearly forty years.
The only friction in their marriage was caused by the
husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he
awoke. The noise would always wake up his wife and the smell
would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air.
Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping
them. He told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him
to see a doctor but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told
her that it was just a natural bodily function and then he
would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away
with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural
about it and if he didn't stop, he was going to "fart his
guts out".
The years went by and the wife continued to suffer and the
husband continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his
guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning.
Before dawn, the wife went downstairs to prepare the family
feast. She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, gravy and of
course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's
innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might
solve her husband's problem. With a devilish grin on her
face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly
walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would
awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back
the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey
shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her
husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers,
and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family
meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake with his
normal loud butt trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood
curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband
ran to the bathroom. The wife could not control
herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the
floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had
finally gotten even. About 20 minutes later, her husband
came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of
horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing
and she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were
right! All those years you warned me and I didn't
listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up farting my guts
out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by
the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all
back in."

Still hot!
Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They
were sitting at the breakfast table that morning when the old
gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married
for 50 years".
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think fifty years ago we were sitting here
at this breakfast table together."
"I know", said the old man, "We probably were sitting here naked as
jay birds fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickers, "What do you say... should we?"
Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey'" the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My
nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago"
"I wouldn't be surprised", replied Gramps, "Ones in your coffee, and
the other's in your oatmeal"

Parachuting
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He
told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the
door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.
He said to me, 'Boy, are you gonna jump or not?'"
I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared."
So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his private out. I
swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this
little baby up your butt."
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."