The Power of Onions

While doing a vasectomy, Doctor Killdeer slipped and cut off one of the
man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the missing testicle with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. "How's your sex life?" Doctor Killdeer asked. "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's obvious relief. But then the patient added, "I've had some strange side effects that are causing serious problems." "What's that?" Doctor Killdeer asked anxiously. "Well, every time I urinate, my eyes water." "Hmm," said the doctor, thoughtfully. "That's not all," continued the patient. "When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn." "Hmm," said the doctor, as his face reddened. "It gets worse, Doc. Now, every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

"A Weekend Mink"
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive
furrier.  "Show the lady your finest mink!"  the fellow
exclaims.  So the owner of the shop goes in back and
comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy
and discreetly whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem!  I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir."  says the shop owner.  "Today is
Saturday.  You may come by on Monday to pick it up,
after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave.  On Monday, the
fellow returns.  The store owner is outraged:
"How dare you show your face in here?!?  There
wasn't a plugged nickel in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank
you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

"25th Anniversary Mink"
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for
their 25th anniversary.
"HA," he snorted, "The day I buy you a fur coat will
be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"
On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and
thrusts her pubic area forward.
"There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."
"That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest," she argued, "Before we got
married, this was your hope chest.  On our honeymoon,
it was your treasure chest.  Afterwards it became our
family chest.  AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT,
IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

She got her mink....

 Goal: To Be A Proctologist!
This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good  proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it's a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! ". . . On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again...". Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets (morgue attendant) and drags the poor guy back to the table. "Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again,  ". . . On the road again . .." The morgue assistant is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says. Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?", the guy asked.
"Are you kidding?" says the morgue assistant, . "Any butt hole can sing country music!"

 Don't forget to gas up the dog!
Little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a
walk around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your Father. I think he's in the garage".
Little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take
Susie for a walk around the block. I asked Mom but she
said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you".
Dad said, "Bring Susie over here". He took a rag, soaked it
with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear with it and said,
"Ok, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only
go one time around the block".
Little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no
dog on the leash. Dad said, "Where's Susie?"
Little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down
the block and there's another dog pushing her home".

Love is Bliss!
 A ninety-four year old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing,
when a  young man walks by and asks him what's wrong.  Through his
tears the old man answers,  "I'm in love with a twenty-two year old
woman."  "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.  Between his sobs
and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand.  Every morning before she goes to work, we make love.  At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite  meal.  In the afternoon, when she gets a break, she rushes
home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want.  And  then at supper time, and all night long, we make love."  He breaks down, no longer able to speak.  The young man puts his arm around him.  "I don't understand. It  sounds like you have the perfect relationship.  Why are you crying?" The old man answers, "I forgot where I live!!"

The Mammogram

For years and years they told me,
   Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
   And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
   And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
   And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of careful care,
   The doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram,
   To look inside that clump.
"Stand up very close," she said,
    as she put my boob in line.
"And tell me when it hurts," she said,
   "Ah yes.  There.  That's just fine."
She stepped upon a pedal...
   I could not believe my eyes.
A plastic plate was pressing down,
   My boob was in a vice.
My skin was stretched 'n stretched,
   from way up by my chin.
And my poor boob was being squashed,
   To Swedish pancake thin.
Excruciating pain I felt,
    Within its vise-like grip.
A prisoner in this vicious thing,
   My poor defenseless tit.
"Take a deep breath," she said to me,
   Who does she think she's kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine,
   I can't breathe and woozy I am getting.
"There, that was good," I heard her say,
   As the room was slowly swaying.
"Now, let's get the other one,"
    Lord have mercy, I was praying.
If I had no problem when I came in,
   I surely have one now.
If there had been a cyst in there,
   It would have popped -- Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by man,
   Of this I have no doubt...
I'd like to get his balls in there,
   For a month he'd go without!!!

The Honeymoon

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished.
"Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me
take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "MY picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart
forever". She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe?  We are married now." at that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".
He beams and asks, "why?" She answers, "SO I CAN GET IT ENLARGED"!

"Good Friends"

 One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local
 Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman
dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and
 high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required
 height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and
unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she
 reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile,
she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. With disappointment,
she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and
a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement,
her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan
behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.
The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you
are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you
 unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."

Two guys Bubba and Joe, were on the roof of a farm house getting
ready to take a break from the roofing job they were on. They are
getting ready to climb down the ladder, when they notice the wind
has blown it down. Joe (him being the smart one) says, "Bubba get
down there and put the ladder up for me!"
Bubba says, "Hey! that's a long ways down there.... I'll break my
legs!" So Joe has an idea....... "Hey Bubba, there is a pile of manure on
the other side of the house. If you jump into it, it will break your
fall and you can come put the ladder up for me!".....
( Being the rocket scientist he is) Bubba says OKAY.... He jumps
down and hollers up to Joe.... "hey Joe, Come on down its not that
bad! Its only ankle deep!"
Joe (not being as smart as we took him for earlier) says "OKAY!" so
he jumps down into the pile of manure, and it goes clear up to his
neck!!!! "Hey Bubba, I thought you said this was only ankle
deep!!!!" Bubba says, "how was I supposed to know you was
gonna jump in feet first!?!?!

More Viagra Humor

Q:  Why is taking Viagra like going to Disneyland?
A:  Because you have to wait an hour for a ride that lasts
just two minutes.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities,
the first shipment arrived on 19th May at Heath row airport, but
was hijacked on the way to the depot.  Scotland Yard have warned
the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife."
Dear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much
to celebrate.  When it came time to re-enact our wedding night,
HE locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he
says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he
tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break.  He's
been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday,
I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into
tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market
that will fix his er...  "problem."  It's called Viagra. I told him
that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our
wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd rather not have your
mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac
with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended).
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a
Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. GET OVER
YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead
of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed
wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much.
And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with
Hard Cider!  The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I
going to do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning
blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in
Hamlet, and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with
Black and Decker.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep
saying "fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I
shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with
a scud missile.  Let's hope he's like President Bush and pulls out
in 100 days.
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even
started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs
his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to:
stiff.  With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.  Argh!

Two rednecks are playing golf behind two flamingly effeminate golfers
who are just flitting about after every shot, every putt, everything. The
rednecks are getting so mad watching the unmacho behavior of the two at
the "gentleman's game", so they decide they're going to hit into them to get
off. The rednecks' shots are getting dangerous close to the two gays, and
finally, a shot from one of the rednecks hits one of the gays on the
head and it knocks him out cold. The other gay is in an angry panic, shaking
his friend to get up - Felipe! Felipe! Get up! Get up...!" - and at the rednecks -
"You bad men!  We are going to sue you!" One of the rednecks yelled back, "You ain't gonna sue us! I'd just as soon let you s*ck my dick!" The gay heard that and started shaking his friend, "Felipe!  Felipe! Get up! Hurry! They want to settle out of court!"