Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes
 and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
 men that dominated their women on earth and the other line
 for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want
 all the women to go with St. Peter."
 Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone
 and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated
 by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that
 dominated their women, there was only one man.
 God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
 I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.
 Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.
 Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the
 only one in this line?"
 And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

Brand "X"

A guy walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "I have three girls
coming over tonight!!"  "I have never had three girls at once.  I need
something to keep me excited . . . keep me potent!"
The pharmacist reaches under the counter and removes a brown box with
an  "X" on it.  "Here.  If you eat this you'll go wild and nuts!!"
"Great!" the guys says, "Give me three of them!"
The next day the guy comes back into the pharmacy.  He drops his pants
and the pharmacist looks in horror at the guys privates.  It's black and blue, and the skin is hanging off of it. "Give me some Ben Gay!!" He shouted!
"You're not going to put Ben Gay on that are you?" asked the pharmacist.
"Heck no!!" was the reply.  "It's for my arms.  The girls never showed up!!"

:)  Smile of the Day  :)

This is a true story from the WordPerfect help line.  Needless to  say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
 "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmmm.  So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
 "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
 "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the 'C:\' prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea prompt?"
"Never mind.  Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor.  I told you, it won't accept anything I  type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
 "What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.  Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
 "I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor an find where the power cord goes into it.  Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great!  Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"....... Yes it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
 "No."
"Well, there are.  I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
 ........"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
 "I can't reach."
Uh huh.  Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes... the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No?  Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
 "A power.... A power outage?  Aha!  Okay, we've got it licked now.  Do
you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good!  Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like
it was when you got it.   Then take it back to the store you bought it  from."
"Really?  Is it that bad?"
 "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then.  I suppose.  What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

     Broke Down
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  A young woman from Washington, D.C.
  was driving through a remote part of
  Texas when her car broke down.  An
 Indian came riding by on horseback and
   offered to give her a lift to a nearby town.
   She climbed up behind him, on the horse and
  they rode off.
   The ride into town was uneventful except
   that every few minutes the Indian would
   let out a loud whoop that echoed back from
   the surrounding hills.
   When they arrived in town, he let her off
   at the local service station, yelled one final,
  "Yahoo!" and rode off.
   "What did you do to get that Indian so
   excited?" asked the service station attendant.
   "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the
   horse, put my arms around his waist and held
  onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
   "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

8 things you'll never hear a man say :

8) Here honey, you use the remote.
7) You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4) Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.

8) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6) Ohh, this diamond is way to big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2) I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.
1) Hey, pull my finger

One day the husband comes home to his wife and she says to him,
"honey, honey, I need twenty dollars. I have to go out and buy some meat."
"Twenty dollars!... are you crazy? Come upstairs to the bathroom and
let me show you something." So they run up to the bathroom and he
stands in front of the mirror and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says,
"you see that twenty in the mirror, that ones yours and this ones mine."
So he goes to work the next day and when he comes home he finds
the kitchen table packed full of meat from one end to the other. He
runs up to his wife and says, "honey, honey, where the hell did you
get all of this meat?" And she replies, "Well, come upstairs to the
bathroom and let me show you something."
They run up to the bathroom and she stands in front of the mirror lifts
up her skirt and says, "you see that one in the mirror, that ones yours
and this one's the butcher's."