Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry.  By taking a few minutes each day for the week preceding the
exam, and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared
for the test.  And, best of all, you can do these simple practice
exercises right in your own home:
Exercise #1:  Freeze two metal bookends overnight.  Strip to the
waist.  Invite a stranger into the room.  Press the bookends against
one of your breasts.  Smash the bookends together as hard as you
can.  Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do
it again.
Exercise #2:  Locate a large bench type vise.  While standing in the
most uncomfortable up-right position you can manage, insert your
most sensitive breast between the squeeze plates.  Hold your breath.
Tighten  down the handle on the vise until you are about to cry.  Make
three more turns on the handle, for good measure.
Exercise #3:  Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between
the door and the main box.  Have one of your strongest friends slam the
door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.
Hold that position for five seconds.  Repeat again in case the first
time wasn't effective enough.
Exercise #4:  Visit your garage at three in the morning when the
temperature of the floor is just perfect.  Take off all your warm
clothes and lay comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged
under the rear tire of your family car.  Ask a friend to slowly back the
car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled.  Turn
over and repeat for the other side.  Congratulations, now you will be
properly prepared for your next mammogram.

3  Blondes
These 3 women escape from a remote prison facility somewhere in the backwoods of Virginia. There was a brunette, a redhead, and a blond woman. They come along to this farmhouse and decide to hide there.  While inside they see 3 empty gunny sacks and decide to each hide inside one. The local sheriff and his deputy arrive on the scene and decide to investigate the farmhouse.  While inside the sheriff orders the deputy to kick one of the sacks.  He kicks the sack where the brunette is hiding.  The brunette then says "Ruff Ruff" imitating a dog's bark.
He then kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding. The redhead then says "Meow Meow"   a cat's meow. He then goes over to the sack where the blond is hiding. He then kicks the sack and the blond says "Potatoes!"

Another Blonde Joke
There was this brunette, redhead, and a blond that decide to go out to he local bar one night.  While there the brunette goes over to the bartender and says, "I'll have a JDOTR." The bartender replies, "What the hell is a JDOTR?" The brunette says, "Duh! its a Jack Daniel's On The Rocks!" The redhead then steps up to the bar and says, "I'll have a SCOTR." The bartender says, "What the hell is a SCOTR?" The redhead says, "Duh! is a Southern Comfort On The Rocks!" Then the blond steps up to the bar and says, "I'll have a 15"  The bartender then says, "Ok what's a 15?"  Then blond then says, "Duh! It's a Seven and Seven!"

One More Blonde Joke
This brunette, redhead, and this blond are talking in a bathroom. To their discovery they find out that they are all pregnant. The brunette then explains how she is positive that she will be having twin boys.  The other two women then ask how she knows. She replies by saying that when she conceived she was on the bottom.  The redhead then explains that she will be having twin girls.
The other two women then ask how she knows. She replies by saying that when she conceived she was on the top.  All of a sudden the blond begins to burst into tears.  The other two women huddle around her for comfort and ask what is the matter? The blond then sobs "I think I'm going to have puppies"

Apartment For Rent
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon  with her for $500.  So they do.  Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price.  So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I  am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there  wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment  to remain unoccupied indefinitely.  As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it,  please do not blame the landlady.

Buying Underwear
A man walks into the woman's section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.  "What type of bra?" asked the clerk  "Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"  "There are three types." replies the clerk "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.  Which one do you need?"  Still confused the man ask "What is the difference in them?"  The clerk responds "It is really very easy.  The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."

Bank Robbery!!
Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank.  After several
days of planning they agree on the best plan.  The next day they get
to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to
their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is
full of safety deposit  boxes and start to work on them immediately.
They drill and pry open the first box only to find a small container
of vanilla pudding inside. The Head Gangster says "Okay, well, at least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding.  They drill and pry open up the second
Safety deposit box and there sits another pudding. They decide to devour it too.
Determined to find the goods, the process continues for the rest of the night until all the safety deposit boxes have been opened. They didn't find any money or jewelry in any of the boxes. Disappointed the head gangster said "Well, at least they left something for us to eat" The next day, while listening to the news they hear: "Yesterday the largest sperm bank in the USA was robbed

Words of Wisdom
My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue wrapped package. "This," he said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie."  He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite;  silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The  price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still  attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at  least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion."  He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for  a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day
you're alive is a special occasion."  I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.  I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life.  I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden.  I'm spending more time with me family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not  endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them. I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a  pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell  out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I'm not saving my good perfume for special  parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my partying friends'. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it' worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do  it now. I'm not sure what my sister would have done had  she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow  we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends.  She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles.  I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good Friends whom I was going to get in touch with someday.  Angry because I  hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter  and luster to our lives.  And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself   that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is... a gift from God. You've received this it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least  someone for whom you care. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward this to a friend, would it be the first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?   I can tell you it certainly won't be the last.  I don't have to make up silly stories about people being hit by buses or  crushed by falling disco balls for not sending this letter on. You've seen the result of this neglect in your own relationships that you have allowed to fade, dissolve, and fall into disrepair. Take this  opportunity to set a new trend. Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.   And the better you'll get in reaching out to those you care  about.

Sex Calorie Counter
Summer is just around the corner, it's time to get into shape. And what
better way than to use salverson's "Sex Calorie Counter":
REMOVING CLOTHES
With partners consent............. 12 calories
Without partners consent........... 187
UNHOOKING BRA
Using two calm hands.............. 7
Using one trembling hand........ 36
GETTING INTO BED
Lifting partner........................... 1.5
Dragging partner along floor....... 16
Using skateboard....................... 3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS
For normal healthy man........ 2.5
Losing erection..................... 14
Searching for it.................... 115
PUTTING ON CONDOM
With erection.................... 1.5
Without erection............... 300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM
If the woman who does it is:
Experienced...................... 6
Inexperienced................... 73
If a man does it............... 650 Add (5) calories for retrieving it
from across the room.
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY
Italian- Man on top, woman in kitchen 26
Russian- Woman on bottom, Man getting permission 55
American- Both on top 60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF INTERCOURSE
Bouncing 7
Sliding around 9
Serious skidding 12
Whiplash 27
ORGASM
Real 27
Faked 160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off 35
Expression didn't change 1/2
Orchestra swelled 6
Birds sang:
Large birds 7
Small birds 3
Earth moved 30
PULLING OUT
After orgasm 1/2
A few moments before orgasm 500
PENIS ENVY
For woman 3
For men 72
GUILT
Despite no formal training, orgasm comes easily, naturally 53
You're enjoying sex, despite the fact that other people are starving 2
Sex on your lunch hour 3
Putting it on expense account 20
AGGRAVATION
Partner keeps showing plant 5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog during foreplay 14
Partner just visited bathroom for 7th time 10
Partner is taking phone calls 7
Partner is making phone calls 40
GETTING CAUGHT
By partners spouse 60
By your spouse 100
Trying to explain 55
Trying to remain calm 100
Leaping out of bed 75
Getting dressed in one motion 500

Remember when.........

WINDOWS were something you hated to clean.... And RAM was the
cousin of a goat.....
MEG was the name of a girlfriend
And GIG was something you did on stage for money Now they all
mean different things
And that really MEGA BYTES
An APPLICATION was for employment
A PROGRAM was a TV show
A CURSOR used profanity
A KEYBOARD was a piano
MEMORY was what you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2" FLOPPY
You hoped nobody found out
COMPRESS was something you did to the garbage Not something
you did to a FILE And if you UNZIPPED anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while
LOG ON was adding wood to the fire
HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road A MOUSE PAD was
where a mouse lived And a BACKUP
happened to your commode
CUT you did with a pocket knife
PASTE you did with glue
A WEB was a spider's home
And a VIRUS was the flu
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a COMPUTER CRASH But when it
happens, they wish they were dead.

Ireland
In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of
it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the
questions right, they are free to leave.
This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called
down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to
wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned
for Patty to come in. When Patty got in the office he was instructed
to sit in the seat across from the doctor.
"Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you
know why you are here. You will be asked two questions and if you
get them right you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have
been told?" Said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty indicated that he
did and the doctor began to question him. The first question: "Patty, if
I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?" "I would be half
blind of course," Patty answered without much thought. "What would
happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just
gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew
up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files. When Patty got into the
waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and
what the correct answers were. Then the doctor gave Patty his papers
and called Mike in. He followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.
"Mike, the first question is, what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," He said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he asked the other
question so he could figure out what Mike was thinking.
"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," He answered with a smile as if he knew
he had passed. The doctor, quite perplexed and suspecting a little
cheating might have happened, asked him what his reasoning was and
he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes; first one eye then toothier."

BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS)
"I GOT PREGNANT DURING A COMPUTER SEX CHAT!"
Frazzled Frances Wyndham believes the father of her unborn child is
sitting behind a computer 1,500 miles away,  where he got her pregnant during an
online sex chat! "His words were so convincing it felt like we were actually having sex,"
Frances claims.  "I could hear bells ringing and fireworks going off. My body reacted accordingly, and I became pregnant with his child.  I know it sounds hard to believe, but I haven't had sex with anyone else in over two years.  So who else could it be?" Clarence Kudrow, the man she says impregnated her, is flabbergasted by Frances' charges,  especially since she's threatening to file a paternity suit. "I haven't been anywhere near Colorado in my life," said the 27 year old technician from Buffalo, N.Y. Incredibly, Dr. John Swall, a leading expert in unusual pregnancies, says Francis Wyndham may be right. "If she had sex two years ago, there is a 5-million-to-one chance that some of the sperm survived but became dormant.  Her high state of sexual excitement during the computer session could have helped revive what we
call 'sleeping sperm,' that resulted in pregnancy.  But to say Mr. Kudrow is the father is ridiculous." There are only 18 known cases of 'sleeping sperm' pregnancy over a 25 year period in the United States.  One Ohio widow got pregnant with her husband's baby nearly 38 months after they had sex for the last time before he died. Frances, a 26 year old store clerk, met Clarence in an Internet chat room for singles.  They later began having intimate conversations with each other over their computers.  "It's the only explanation for my pregnancy," Frances said. "We'll find out for sure when Clarence has to take a blood test."

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!
          AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership-. He received a $26 million severance
package.  Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
  ...With a Little Help from Our Friends!
      Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue
a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing tent ear
gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them,
shouting pleas to come out and give himself up... And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The
kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts...
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a one day
suspension under his elementary schools drug policy last week - for Certs!
Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him jump higher.-
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the schools *zero-tolerance- policy...not to be confused with the zero intelligence- policy...Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay  to Gnaw
Through the  Straps...
         Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze
that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowners
newly installed fire prevention alarm system.  This is even worse than
last year,- said the distraught homeowner, when someone broke in and
stole my new security system...-

The Getaway
         A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kiwi Shop, and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours
until police showed up and grabbed him.
  Have I Got  a Deal for You!
          More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly
enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars.
According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to
spend their next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples
and painted deserts.  Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy
the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the
views. Trips to the moon also available.- Authorities believe that the con
men running this scam made off with over six million dollars...
  Too Well Educated
         In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with an MBA blamed
his college degree for his murder of three people. There are too many
business grads out there,- he said. If I had chosen another field, all
this may not have happened...-
  Did I Say That?!
         Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, Give me all your money or  Ill
shoot,- the man shouted,  That's not what I said!-
  Are We Not Communicating?
         A man spoke frantically into the phone: My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!- Is this her first child?-
the doctor asked.  No, you idiot!- the man shouted. This is her husband!-

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