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ICQ & Email Jokes, Quotes, and Poems
Words to the song that is playing below:)
~B*tch~
I hate the world today! You're so good to me, I know, but I can't change... Tried to tell you.. but you look at me like maybe.. I'm an angel underneath, innocent and sweet.. Yesterday I cried.. you must have been relieved.. ... to see the softer side, I can understand how you'd be so confused ..I don't envy you.. I'm a little bit of everything.. All rolled into one.. I'm a b*tch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother.. I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.. I do not feel ashamed.. I'm your h*ll.. I'm your dream, I am nothing in between you know you wouldn't want it any other way... So take me as I am.. this may mean you'll have to be a stronger man... rest assured that when I start to make you nervous, and I'm going to extremes... tomorrow I will change.. ..and today won't mean a thing! I'm a b*tch, I'm a lover.. I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner.. I'm a saint... I do not feel ashamed!!!! I'm your h*ll.. I'm your dream.. I'm nothing in between...... you know you wouldn't.. want it any other way!! Just when you think.. you've got me.. figured out... .. the season's already changing... I think it's cool.. ...you do what you do... and don't try to save me.. I'm a b*tch... I'm a lover.... I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I do not feel ashamed!! I'm your h*ll, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between you know you wouldn't want it any other way... I'm a b*tch.. I'm a tease.. I am a goddess on my knees.. when you hurt, when you suffer... I'm your angel undercover, I'm a monk, I'm revived.. can't say I'm not alive!!! You know.. .... I wouldn't want it any other way.....
Meredith Brooks

The bank and the Farmer
" I've got some good news and bad news to tell you . Which would you like to hear first ?" the farmer asks . " Well , why don't you tell me the bad news first , and get it over with? " the banker replies . " Okay , with all the bad drought , and inflation and all , I won't be able to pay anything on my mortgage this year , either on the principle or on the interest ." " Well , that's pretty bad ," says the banker . " It gets worse . I won't be able to pay anything on the loan for that farm machinery l bought , on the principle or interest either ." " Wow , is that ever bad " says the banker . " lt. gets worse yet . You remember l also borrowed to buy seed and fertilizer , and other supplies . Well , l can't pay anything on that loan either , either principle or interest ." "That's truly awful , and enough ! Tell me what the good news ," demands the banker . " The good news , " replies the farmer with a smile , " is that l intend to keep doing business with you ."

An elderly couple were driving cross country, the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol for doing 85 in 55. He said "ma'am did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and goes "What did he say?" The old man yells "he says you were speeding." The patrolman says "may I see your license?" The woman turns to her husband and goes "What did he say?" The old man yells "he wants to see your license." The woman gives him her license. The patrolman says "I see you are from Arkansas, spent some time there once had the worst sex with a women I had ever had." The women turns to her husband and goes "what did he say?" The old man yells "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."

The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his *ss.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. ..
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his *ss.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God!"
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

THE PLUMBER - By A. Smith
A plumber was called to woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, beautiful woman during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.
About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.
"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8.
Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."
The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my OWN time??"

A woman is having her 90th birthday.

Huge celebration in the village. Everybody is there - the mayor, the police and a reporter from the local newspaper.  He wants to know how she achieved to have such a long life.
She tells him about her fulfilled life - and about the 3 beers and 2 cigars she has each day.
'Not to forget a healthy and active sex life keeps my circulation going' she adds.
The reporter curious now, asks deferentially 'So when was the last time you made love, Ma'am ?'
'Well, let me think - made love - the last time I did that was around 1945'.
'Whoah', the reporter says, 'but that's a heck of a long time ago'.
'You think so ?' the woman replies and checks her watch. 'But it's only 20:15 now, a half hour later.

After a fatal car crash , the bodies of the young married couple the Hills , are sent to the local morgue . While Joe goes about his duties as the local coroner , he decides to liven up the atmosphere with a little music . He goes and gets a portable stereo , and begins playing his favorite music . Joe goes back to work on his next case , and is horrified to see 2 corpses rise , and begin moving . Joe rushes in terror , to the nearest phone and frantically calls 911 . After hearing a response on the other end , Joe's cries out to the operator " The Hills are alive , with the sound of music !!!"

I am a creature from a galaxy far away, visiting your planet. I have transformed myself into this icq message. As you are reading it, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you are smiling!!!!! Please pass me on to someone else because I'm really excited...

«º®º» «º®º» «º®º» «º®º»
« Roses are red, »
« Violets are blue, »
« A friend of yours »
« Is thinking of you .»
«º®º» «º®º» «º®º» «º®º»

This little smile somehow found its way,
On to your screen to brighten your day.
Q  Q
(________)
So pass it along to each of your friends,
To remind them all, That friendship never ends.

Sergeant Major Dick"

An Army Sgt. Major walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best girl they have for him. Sgt. Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then says, "My name is Sgt. Major Dick, been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediately, his privates becomes fully erect. The prostitute is in awe and asks him how he can do that. The Sgt. Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, AT EASE!" His privates immediately goes limp. The prostitute still can't get over the control he has and asks him for another demonstration. The Sgt. Major says, "I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" (a raging hard-on once again), and of, "DICK, AT EASE!" (His privates goes limp once again). The prostitute still can't believe her eyes and asks for the demonstration yet again. The Sgt. Major shouts, I've already told you honey, I've been in the Army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, DICK, ATTEN-HUN!" His privates becomes immediately erect, and then he gives the following command, "DICK, AT EASE." The Sgt. Major looks down, and to his amazement, his privates is still hard. He then says, "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier, DICK, AT EASE!" Once again, his privates is still fully erect. The Sgt. Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, DICK, AT EASE!" No luck, his privates is still hard. He yells, "Gosh darn it!!!", and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?" The Sgt. Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonorable discharge!!!"

Two Lovers

Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying.
As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck.
True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me, John?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?"
"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep around 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."
"Then, where are you?"
"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!

Tests Show Beer Contains Female Hormones...

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them lost all sense of reasoning, started talking nonsense, and couldn't drive.

THE WEDDING NIGHT
A young couple were on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy "I have a confession to make." "The reason that we have not been too intimate is because I am very flat chested." "If you want to cancel the wedding, it is okay with me?" The guy thought about it for a while, and said " I don't mind that your flat-chested, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage." Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said " I also have to make a confession." "Below my waist, it is just like a baby."
"If you want to cancel the marriage, it is okay with me?". The girl thought about it for a while and said "I don't mind, and I also believe there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage." They were happy that they were honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor. After she became conscious, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?" The girl said, "You told me it was just like a baby." The guy replied, "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches."

"A Bloody Nose"

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. "Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"

"A Human Toy"

The guy had invited his girl to attend a Halloween party with him, and showed up at her door wearing only a pair of roller blades. "Uh, and just what the heck  are you supposed to be?" she asked. "What else?" he replied smiling. "I'm a pull toy!"

"Top Ten quotes on Halloween that sound dirty, but aren't."

10. "She's a goblin!"
9. "You scared me stiff."
8. "You just get on your hands and knees and bob your head."
7. "Show me your Mounds and you can have my Zagnuts."
6. "Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth."
5. "If you just lick it, it will last longer."
4. "She's got a nice pair of pumpkins on her porch."
3. "The best part of the party is putting the cinnamon stick in cider."
2. "Well, we won't be able to use THESE sheets again."
1. "He's got Candy spread out on the floor"

CAMELOT (R)
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice. After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and he'd see if he could come up with something. A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?" "Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt where upon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two. "Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected." After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad. "Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!" But Sir Galahad  was speechless.

A Perfect Match

You say my strength gives you courage. But it's your courage from which I draw my strength. You say my smile brings you happiness. But its your happiness that makes me smile. You say my faith fuels your devotion. But it's your devotion which feeds my faith. You say my energy lifts your spirit. But it's your spirit that gives me energy. You say my love touches your heart. But it's because of your heart that I am filled with love.

CINDERELLA

OK Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but the fairy god mother had two conditions the first was she had to be in by 2.... well Cindy put up a fight.. but she finally agreed.... the second..... was she had to wear a diaphragm.... now she really fought but she relented... and she was told that if she did not come home by 2 her twat would turn into a pumpkin........ 2 o'clock comes no Cindy..... 3 still no Cindy finally 4 comes around and in walks Cindy.... he fairy god mother was shocked ......she was in all one piece. she asked Cindy how that could be....... she said ohhhhhhhh I ran into this guy...... I think his name was peter peter pumpkin eater.........

Two Whales

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years ago. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily the male whale yells "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale becomes less cooperative: "HEY!", she says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!

Spelling bee
A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?" To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked. "Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e." St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom. "I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?" St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done. So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband. "What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?" Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?" To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first." "What word?" he asked. The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.

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Are You Thinking Dirty??
He laid her on the table So white clean and bare. His forehead wet with beads of sweat He rubbed her here and there. He touched her neck and then her breast And then drooling felt her thigh. The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry. The hole was wide... he looked inside All was dark and murky. He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms.......... And then he stuffed the Turkey Shame on you for thinking that way rofl

A Rose is a Rose, it withers and dies
A friendship needs love in order to thrive
A true friend is one who stands by your side In the happiest of days,
and when you have cried So let your friends know that you will be there


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